I didn’t think of myself as unfaithful.
I loved him, but he didn’t enjoy sex as much as I did. No matter how hard I tried to tease and engage him, he didn’t respond.
So I looked elsewhere.
The question came a late wednesday night after that extra glass of wine that you never really need. He asked me if I was cheating on him. I looked him straight in the eye and said:
– Don’t be ridiculous.
I smiled my big smile and he laughed.
It never felt like a lie and it wasn’t, as it was all in my head.
Maybe I was searching for a way out from my soon to be failed relationship or maybe I just needed to fulfill my basic needs for desire and passion in my life. Call me selfish but I enjoy sex and if my partner doesn’t, I suffer.
I knew exactly what I needed and almost knew where and how to get it.
I was looking for the person that fascinates you and sticks in your mind. Who briefly enters your life in different times and places, always with a terribly bad timing for the next step. I wanted that person so bad.
A beautiful man, that I never would consider sharing my life with. My partner was smart, witty and a perfect everyday-person to hangout with. We hade so many great discussions. He endured my mopyness and moodswings and had so much respect for me as woman.
This [other] man had already proved he didn’t have any of the qualities that I valued. A film director. Smoking and drinking way to much and had probably been fucking around since forever.
I first met him as a young girl. A loud loft party. We shared a couple of cigarettes on the terrace. Trying to talk, searching for topics we had in common. It was painfully hard, we were in so different stages of life. He newly divorced. Me, trying to understand his situation that I knew nothing about.
The man smirked when we talked as if I was young and unexperienced. I tried hard not to be.
He said something about an evening that never comes again, sharing moments together. I barely listened I was so taken by my feeling of want. I wanted that man with a ring on his finger. A shockful realization. I had never considered an older man and here I was in my early twenties with a man in his late thirties. At that point in my life he was unthinkably old.
Another evening many years later when I was out with my partner that I still hadn’t broken up with despite the sex being even worse, I saw him again. He recognized me and came up to me when I was standing in the bar. Giving me wanting eyes and asking why I was there with my partner. I love him and we live together I said.
He will never lick your pussy the way I would he told me.
– How would I know, you’ve never have I replied.
He gave me a look like he wanted to fuck me right there in the bar.
– What a shame, he said turned away from me and left.